The TTC Years (trying to conceive, for those blessed with a lack of knowledge for that particular acronym). This part is where all along I lie to people when they ask about whether/when we want kids, saying "oh, we're thinking about it, maybe in a few years," as if someone knowing I'm infertile is the worst thing that could happen. Besides being infertile. This is where I happily congratulate someone on their pregnancy & then lock myself in a public restroom and sob, where I avoid people who have kids in general, where my life is about me, me, me. It's pretty embarrassing, actually. But even though in many ways it still hurts, now I can talk about it, so I do, because something in me says I should. Caution: Don't read if you don't want to hear about my guts. Okay.
January 2008 - Started trying to get preggers. Going off of BC proved more difficult than anticipated; experienced in short order weight gain, migraines, severely irregular periods (anywhere from a 14 day cycle to a 63 day cycle), intense cramping, & anemia.
January 2008 - Started trying to get preggers. Going off of BC proved more difficult than anticipated; experienced in short order weight gain, migraines, severely irregular periods (anywhere from a 14 day cycle to a 63 day cycle), intense cramping, & anemia.
April 2008 - Realizing there was a problem, I went to the doc. He told me to calm down, be patient because at 24 I had “all the time in the world,” and “just have sex.” Charming.
May 2008 - Found a new doctor through a friend also struggling with infertility.
October 2008 - Diagnosed with PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome). Put on Clomid & Provera. Hormones went insane. Started eating a low glycmic index diet, which helped slightly. Truthfully, I barely remember any of this time – it hadn’t even gotten bad yet (as I now know, it got much worse), but I was overcome with fear entering the realm of the infertile.
March 2010 - Doctor suspects endometriosis in addition to the PCOS.
April 2010 - Surgery to remove endometriosis & check on enlarged ovaries to determine if removal of cysts was necessary. I am told the next six months are my best shot at pregnancy, before the endometriosis stats to wreak havoc once again. A feeling of urgency settled on me.
May 2010 - Follow-up after surgery – Saw pics of my insides vs. pics of “healthy” insides taken during the surgery. Horrifying, but also cathartic. There were clearly legit reasons this pregnancy thing wasn’t working (i.e., my problems weren’t all in my head… as my first doctor told me 2 years prior).
July 2010 - Terrifying reaction to treatment in which my vision became blurred, I saw things in triplicate, & every light pulsated like a strobe. Went for an emergency appointment with an ophthalmologist who diagnosed me with vitreous detachment (an incredibly rare but possible side effect to the fertility drug clomid). Could have been permanently blinded &/or could have faced eye surgery to repair a retinal tear. Growing concern for the effect my fertility plan was having on my overall health & wellbeing. Realization: I fear blindness more than I fear not having children. Seeing that something could be scarier than that notion helped me calm down a little bit.
August 2010 - Began doubting my then doctor’s judgment when she stated she would be putting me back on Clomid once my ophthalmologist said I was fully healed.
September 2010 - The decision to switch doctors was made for me when mine told me that she had no idea what else to do with me, referring me to another specialist. My six months were up, apparently. The urgency I felt turned to despair.
October 2010 - Very promising appointment with new fertility specialist – he was warm, uplifting, & hopeful that I could become pregnant through IVF (to the tune of ~$12k – we’d spent approximately $7k thus far on just office visits, various procedures, medications, & my surgery – all to no avail). Despite his confidence, I left feeling uneasy about both the cost & the path of more invasive fertility procedures.
November 2010 - Decided to play dumb about my reproductive problems for awhile. (See September 2011, Part 3.)
Where did we go from here? Read more to find out:
No comments:
Post a Comment