After a long hiatus, courtesy of unexpected homeschooling and some super fun surgery on my lady parts - and a subsequent snowball of things to catch up on and mini breakdowns to have related to these things - I am feeling ready to write again.
I will write about the events of the last few months later, probably. But not right now.
Right now, it's almost Mother's Day. This is a rough day for many in the circles I frequent. I have seen many a post about this day and infertility, and that's part of it. It just plain sucks to be infertile and childless on Mother's Day. But what I have found (which surprised me quite a lot, as so many aspects of parenting have) is that even after the babies come, it's hard. Just a different kind of hard.
For me, infertility and foster/adoptive parenting has proven to be an intense empathy workout. My ability to see hurt in others and to exist outside of my own struggles is greater. And because of that, I am more aware of the years I spent inside of those struggles. I was so angry. I judged easily those who seemed to lack appreciation for the things I so desperately wished for. I said awful things to people I love in an effort to explain how much this struggle was hurting me; I remember once, my sweet husband was trying to comfort me by saying that we still had each other, and I blurted that I would never be able to find happiness in a life where I wasn't a mom.
It wasn't great.
I love being a mom, so much. But I wish now that I had realized my worth as a mother and a woman was valid before we signed those papers.
I have a new article on adoption.com today about this day that brings up so many feeling for so many mothers. Mothers with children and without. Mothers wading through the process of getting to their babies and mothers who find, much to their surprise, that the feeling of drowning has followed them through to the other side. Here's a peek:
"Your worth is not tied to how many little heads sit beside you. It is not whether your body will allow you to carry a child, or if you are ready to start a family yet. It’s not in an invitation to stand and be recognized as a mother.
It is, though, found in your strength, and the love you carry with you—whether you have carried a baby or not. It’s the wealth of knowledge you share freely with others, or the note you send to a friend you know is struggling.
It’s that beautiful, tender nurturing that ties us all together as women and keeps humanity moving forward.
Motherhood is deserving of celebration, certainly. But there are stages, there are variations. There are infinitely many more versions of motherhood than there are greeting card options. There are so many women unable to experience motherhood in the way they had dreamed, and finding the joy in that is more than one day can represent."
Read more here. If you feel inclined to leave a comment about your thoughts on Mother's Day, I would love you for it. I'll love you even if you don't, though. ;)
It's good to be back.